Suddenly the mirror shows someone fat
Suddenly wrists become paper
Suddenly the scale becomes the enemy
Suddenly pencil sharpeners are weapons
Suddenly pillows are for tears
Suddenly life is worthless
Suddenly blood is relief
Suddenly sleep is an escape
Suddenly meals become to torture
Suddenly friends are fake
Suddenly makeup becomes necessary
Suddenly everything is ugly.
As I lay awake late at night I think and reflect on what I am compared to what I used to be weeks, even months ago.
Like many other teenagers, I often find that my deepest thoughts come in the early hours of the morning. As I am writing this post, it’s just gone past midnight, but I feel so strongly to write. Recently I’ve gone downhill from the progress I was actually making; I gave in to the monsters inside my head, I self harmed, I let people at school take control of me, and I thought about bad thoughts. I’ve been weak and unsociable, but I can’t help it.
I’m going to talk about the ‘monsters inside my head’. These ‘monsters’ aren’t monsters yet I feel like I have someone else inside of me, as well as me, and they talk to me. In therapy, I learnt to ignore them and they went away for a while, however, they’ve started to work their way back into my head and I find myself daydreaming often and listening to them. If you know me personally, you’d know that I go to bed early in order to ensure that I don’t think too deeply late at night, but tonight I find myself in these thoughts. I self harmed and gave in to the monsters after 3 months of recovery, this devastated me, but I still did it knowing I’d have failed myself. What I did shows weakness, cowardliness, and most of all failure. I can’t even tell you why I did it. But I can describe to you what I felt before I did it. The process and transitions have always been the same leading up to cutting. I hit a lower mood than usual first of all and the thoughts of what I could do to myself get worse yet become so pleasurable, I then walked to my mothers bathroom cabinet, knowing her 4 razor blades would be in there in their little plastic packets. I took them out and walked back to my room with them as well as taking tissue and anti bacteria wipes. I empty my own blades out of my China Cat ornament on my set of drawers in my room and I study each blade. I reached for the bandage I have in my drawer, just in case. I then went through a thought process of where I was going to do it on my body, I examined each bit carefully and decided where I was going to touch the blade to my skin. I selected my blade, and I chose my hips as it could be easily covered, and it is a bone area so I wouldn’t have to cut too deep for it to hurt. I sat on my bed and knew that what I was doing was wrong. Despite this, my skin tingled and my urges got stronger. The monsters’ voices got louder and I couldn’t think of anything else, my stomach flipped and my palms were full of sweat. I could almost see the lovely sight of red blood, I could almost feel the stinging sensation and I could visualise the scar it would leave. I scraped the blade once over my skin, regretted it but didn’t and couldn’t stop. I went in for the proper cut and I did it. I then was careful cleaning it and putting stuff over it, I felt like some sort of professional that knew exactly what to do. So thats what I do and feel when I cut.
Late at night, I also think about who I am and who people think I am. Many people at my school don’t like me, and I couldn’t care less because at the end of the day, you’ll be by yourself in the world later on in life and working towards what you want to do, as an individual, therefore these immature kids I’m surrounded with everyday are irrelevant to my life. However, who and what I see myself as does matter. I see myself as a nice person, but I say it how it is, I don’t hold back, and I always tell the truth no matter what the outcome is. I’m completely honest in my opinions, and I stand my ground. I’m someone who is shy at first, but has so many things to say. I’m shy because I’m tactful, I get a measure of people before I share my opinions with them, I learn to know who they are before I let them know who I am, I keep my guard up until I think they’re safe. I’m outgoing when you know me, and I can behave in the oddest of ways, but it’s who I am and not many people know that side yet.
To round this post of as my laptop batteries dying, I can sometimes lay awake at night and my thoughts go beyond deep. I reflect on life, and it’s normally not of good things, but when I wake up in the morning, I know that it’s a new day and only I can pull myself through recovery.
Charlotte xxx
Hey Guys!
This week hasn’t been great, I feel like I’ve just kinda sunk back into the world of darkness like I was in before. The past three months have been a long journey of recovery for me, and it’s been hard. I have a confession, and I’ve let myself down big time. This past week I’ve not eaten for a few days in a row, and I’m just a big ball of sadness. I self harmed yesterday morning for the first time in months, I feel so let down. I came so far, I stopped thinking about damaging myself and I became all sociable and stuff. However, I don’t know what triggered me to starve myself and cut. I found a ‘secret album’ app on my phone where I had previously saved pictures of self harm and cuts and bruises and all sorts of other stuff as well as quotes and little stories which are still my phone wallpaper. I guess that kinda reminded me of my horrible times. I woke up yesterday morning expecting to see a friend(s) later on in the afternoon, which I did. In the morning, my sisters got to me and they couldn’t help but wind me up. My OCD led to cleaning the house and everything had to be perfect, no one helped me because they didn’t want to get in my way, but I was still annoyed at the lack of effort from everyone. Instead, my sisters were messing around and I completely lost it. It got to mid afternoon and I still hadn’t eaten anything for 2 days, purely because the thought of food made me feel sick, the diet plan I’ve been given by my GP made me feel sick. I just cried, I sat on my bed for no reason and I cried so much. I cut as well. I knew that it would be a waste of 3 months, I knew it would sting and I didn’t know if I’d be able to stop if I did it just once. Despite this, I did it anyway, not too badly, but enough for it to hurt and sting, enough for it to leave a scar. It then got to the point where I realised I’d have to go out and face people, my own friends and I felt like I couldn’t even see them. It was painful, I wish I didn’t go, I wish I was more lively and unboring, I wish I was as outgoing as I am if I’m feeling good.
I’ve gone 1 step forward and 3 steps back.
Charlotte xxx
Hey Guys!
I’m going to be talking about a disorder that has affected me personally, and this post is all my own knowledge and research.
Social Anxiety Disorder affects 10% of adults in the UK, this is a figure of 5,242,372 adults of the overall UK population. Social anxiety also affects thousands of teenagers in the UK between the ages of 13-18.
So what is it?
Social anxiety is a discomfort or a fear when a person is in social interactions that involve a concern about being judged of evaluated by others. It is triggered especially in situations that are unfamiliar or in which you feel you’ll be watched. It is human nature to judge other people on the way they look, speak, act, etc, however, sometimes it can be so severe that social situations may be so frightening for the individual, that anxiousness arises just thinking about them, and going to great lengths to avoid them becomes the norm.
Social anxiety, or social phobia, is a mental disorder that is sometimes completely overlooked, as it doesn’t sound too serious. However, it is a disorder that affects your social life, your outtakes of life in general, and the way you act around other people. It is not something that can be cured straight away, but it can slowly go away after time.
Speaking of experience, social anxiety can make you feel trapped inside a body that does not want to be around others. When you’re with other people, your mind drifts and you find yourself zoned out, only to come back to a conversation you have no idea what’s going on in, and this makes you feel severely shy and like you can’t join in on. You’re afraid to state your opinion, to act like yourself, and to talk to people normally. You distance yourself from the group, hoping no one notices, just so you can be by yourself, as this way it isn’t necessary to talk to people. You feel like a heavy gas has inflated your lungs, and is too heavy so it makes it hard to talk. You feel like you’re standing on a shaky ground. You feel a sinking feeling in your stomach, like you’re being drowned and going slowly under. You shake, and sweat. But most of all, its like electricity trapped in your body.
If you’re struggling from social anxiety, visit your GP, or talk to someone you trust. For more info visit: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-anxiety/Pages/Social-anxiety.aspx, or http://www.helpguide.org/mental/social_anxiety_support_symptom_causes_treatment.htm
Charlotte xxx
Hey Guys!
I’ve been recently thinking about what we are to the world, what we humans are to the planet, the universe, even our own country. I was thinking about how beautiful each country and each place is in the world, or just as far as the naked eye can see. I was thinking about what we’ve done to the world. It sounds a lame subject, but I was quite intrigued at the depths of my thoughts. To start off, we are a minority to the universe and our own galaxy, planets such as Saturn and Jupiter are somewhat significant in our solar system, as we know it The Milkyway. On Earth, celebrities are significant to this day and age’s media, however somewhere else, like the Universe, us humans are not known, we are nothing in this big black thing of matter, as we know it Space.
The other day, I was on the bus on the way to school and the sun was shining, but it was cold. I saw everything as being beautiful and I could see in the distance, fields and a blue sky, and just things that make you stop and think. And on this bus, I then looked downwards to see a lot of cars and bigger vehicles that were not beautiful. This leads me on to my next point, pollution and the ruining of the Earth we live in. So, approximately 4,600,000,000 years ago during the Earths formation, a regular and heavy comet and meteorite bombarded the Earth’s surface and the large craters left behind not only contained water and the basic chemical building blocks for life, but also became the perfect crucible to concentrate and cook these chemicals to create the first simple organisms. Basically, the right amount of water created life. We were created by chance, some believe God made the World, however. If the right amount of water wasn’t on Earth, we wouldn’t be here. We were given a chance, and we were created as a result of a comet that hit the Earth, but us humans have destroyed the chance that we had. We have ruined something so beautiful and taken it amongst ourselves to change what we were given and make it into something ‘better’, to suit our needs. It’s sad because we’ve ruined the Earth and now scientists etc are panicking about future generations and what they’ll do and be faced with. Humans impacted the world, as well as space, other planets, the moon. What would space be like without satellites, rockets, telescopes, cameras? It would be un-damaged. What if there was a galaxy, similar to ours, with 300 billion stars in it, as well as a solar system? What if there was life somewhere else, that were doing the same thing as us, and investigating something that wasn’t made to be bombarded with activity and investigations?
This doesn’t link with the theme of my blog, so I’m going to introduce another point I’ve thought about. The Earth was created, and us humans have brought illness, diseases, sadness, happiness, war, poverty, all these other things to this innocent beautiful thing we live in. The Earth was pure, much like a planet like Mars, but now it isn’t. Despite this, us humans have debated whether to move to another planet, Mars, just to ruin that as well? Earth is a place that is centred around what humans do. Mankind is selfish. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, schizophrenia, other mental disorders; the Earth does not deserve to have such selfish humans on it, we have brought bad things to Earth, and ruined it with things like war.
This post is not exactly structured and I don’t quite know myself where I was going with it. My point is, is that Earth used to be pure, and was created from something so amazing, that may never ever happen again. Humans were created by chance, and the human race are so self centred that we have ruined it, and don’t feel any guilt or sadness towards it. Everything we have brought to Earth is bad, we have impacted space and investigated something that wasn’t made to be. It’s there because of science; forces, gravity, gases, rock, comets, electromagnetic waves, etc. It wasn’t there to be ruined or be touched. I’m not one that massively recycles or anything, and I’m not one that obsessively cares for the environment. It was simply a thought that crossed my mind, and that things like depression and sadness, were never here before, and that humans are so self centred that the emotion was formed through them. We’re just a bunch of people that bring negativity to such a beautiful place.
Charlotte xxx
Hey Guys..
My post ‘The Boy That Got Away; An Inadequacy of Justice‘ briefly touched on the lack of punishment that this boy received; which greatly angers me. However, I could have been wrong saying that he had no punishment, as my mum assured me he did in a CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service) appointment I had today.
Knowing that someone like him got no punishment makes me feel angry, but most of all lonely. I feel like I’m shouting to these important people about something significant, yet they don’t hear me, or think that it’s not as serious as I make it out to be. I feel frustrated and like I’ve been left on my own to cope with something that has had an impact on my life. When someone hurts you, you want them to be severely punished so that they feel as much physical pain as you did emotionally, physically, and mentally. You want them to be hurt, to understand or experience just some of the pain you did. You want them to know that their actions were wrong, you just want them hurt, but sometimes this does not happen, and you feel let down by the important people that are supposed to be there to help you.
I said that there was an inadequacy of justice because I had not been informed that any proper punishment had been given, and I still stand by that tonight despite hearing what my mother had to say this morning. When this came out in the middle of last year, this is what happened: The school told my mum what I had told my counsellor previously that day, she then met Terry (her boyfriend) and told him what Jack had done. He said he needed to sort it out and went back to his ex wife’s house, where Jack lives and he told Jacks mum, she demanded for the police to be called, but instead they got an emergancy social worker round and they interviewed Jack. I was not aware that this had happened all in the same night, and I didn’t know the full extent of the visit from the social worker. Days later, It was on Jack’s medical record and he was taken to the doctors by Terry to have an anger management test. I didn’t know this either, but the doctors was the end of how far the situation would go and nothing more was done about it. The safety officer at my school offered to drive me to the police station to report the incident, however my mother was very against the idea, therefore nothing was reported and it wasn’t brought up by anyone.
My mother told me that his punishment was guilt, and that his dad had chosen my family and so he had lost part of his dad to us. She said that he will have to live with his actions for the rest of his life and he will never be apart of the family get- togethers or anything like that; which is his punishment. But to me, that is not a punishment. Guilt is an emotional consequence, it is what he got for doing what he did, he felt guilt when it all came out, but that is not a punishment. He wasn’t hurt like I was, he got a mild ‘smack on the wrist’ and he carried on with his life. My mother then went on to say that his testosterone and and sexual desires took over him, and he couldn’t get out of that situation either, which I believe is not true. My mum said that she would support him in the future if he was ever to marry, she said that in the future, he may feel even more guilt. She made out that it was okay what he did, and that he was ‘just being an over- excited teenaged boy’. No. He was not just that, I saw evil and determination in his eyes. I saw something indescribable, that was far away from the innocent lad he makes out to be.
I cannot understand how anyone could do such a thing, and only feel guilt when they are told that it is wrong. Terry found a lot of pornography on his laptop, and he said that this is why he did what he did; these people aren’t real in these videos, but he thought it was okay to treat women like that in real life. That was Terry’s excuse for him. I cannot describe my anger or frustration that this causes me, I am so so confused as to how and why this boy ‘could not’ stop what he was doing. I don’t understand how anyone, as a matter of fact could be so evil, and do something so horrible that it’ll change that persons life for the worst, and not feel that much guilt towards it. I have so many questions, that cannot be answered. I often wonder what goes through these evil people’s minds, and if they see other people as objects to destroy. I don’t know if he put on a hard front, and that he was guilty and upset inside, or if he was generally emotionless and didn’t care or quite understand what he had done, he showed no emotion, he didn’t deny what he did, nor did he defend himself, nor even admit it. He just sat there without a care in the world.
I don’t know if others would see this as a punishment, but I think that something more should have been done and that he has learned no lesson, other than not to get caught next time. I don’t know if I’m being to harsh, but he should have felt punishment and gotten half the pain I got from what he did to me.
Charlotte xxx
Hey Guys.
I haven’t posted for a while, I’ve been trying to find myself, and by that I mean I don’t know who I am anymore. It sounds cliché but it’s true, I’m a completely different person from what I used to be. The people around me wouldn’t think I’ve changed, but I have inside, my inside is messed up, and I’m just lost.
I’m angry constantly. I blame myself for everything that’s happened, and I take it out on the few people that are actually around me. I’m angry that I don’t see my family, that I’m not the perfect daughter my mother wishes for me to be, that I get lower grades than what’s expected of me. I’m angry that my future career is aimed at my mothers own dream, and not mine. I’m angry at the lack of communication between us, the fact that I can never get myself across, the fact that I’m not strong. I’m angry at myself for losing the group of friends I used to have, at the group of friends I have now, at the great friend they think I am, as I am not that. I’m angry at the fact I went from having 4 best friends, to 2 best friends, to now losing them too. I can feel the distance between us, just the 3 of us it used to be, we called ourselves the Harry Potter group, and the boys used to be Ron and Harry. We were on the same wavelength, I knew what they were thinking before they said it, I knew how to cheer them up, how to talk to them and give them advice, how to read them; but all that’s gone, they finally lost interest as I knew they would, and I doubt I’ll get them back. I’m angry that I push the people I love away, and get angry at them for no valid reason. I’m angry that they put up with me, only to be had a go at and ignored. But they don’t understand my anger, they don’t understand what goes through my head, or why I’m angry, I have yet to properly discover that myself. I’m angry at the melancholy that my body is overwhelmed with. I’m angry that I’m so at peace with the thought of suicide and harming myself. I’ve given up, I don’t care, I’m emotionally drained, but I’m scared at the thought of the process you go through as you’re dying. I’m scared of the consequences, that could mean happiness? I’m angry at the people I love, because how could they love such a horrible person? Rob, Liam, and Dan. Why are you still here? However, I’m angry at myself for being that person. I’m angry at my uncontrollable anger, my lack of willpower and fight, the sadness I portray. I’m angry at these people because I don’t understand what they get out of being here for me, I appreciate them, but in chemistry terminology, emotions for me are like the reactivity series. Which one blows first? Anger, not love, not gratitude, not appreciation, just anger. I get angry at others because I am so angry at myself, I see red, I see no limits, no rules, I don’t see the hurt it’ll bring to that person, I blow my top because that’s what I need to do. It’s a recent thing; I’ve never understood people that can’t control anger, but the sudden realisation has occurred to me and this is what it’s like. I feel ashamed and am so sorry to everyone I hurt on a daily basis, but as I said, I’m a horrible person. I need to get away from the world.
I read something, this woman was ill and her mother didn’t care very much, she wanted to die and she believed in the Lord and prayed everyday. She then prayed to die. The Lord fulfilled this, Her soul was lifted from her body and as she was leaving with Him, she looked at her lifeless body by her bed, still in a praying position. This woman got taken to a horrible place, and anyone that committed suicide would be taken to this room where people were crying and it was just darkness, no heaven, no hell. She experienced the Lord right in front of her, and she got shown hell first, it was people on fire, over and over again. She travelled through to somewhere like Heaven (I can’t remember), and she wished to go back to Earth, back to her sick body. The Lord said not to ever wish to commit suicide ever again, and she didn’t, and they formed something. The Lord helped her to learn to read, He made her slightly better, He helped her clear her sins and paint her heart pure white with blood again, she was clean. He told her to tell everyone on Earth about this experience, but believers of the Lord didn’t believe her story, so she reached out to the non believers.
Somehow, this story got to me, I don’t know fully if it’s real or fake, but it’s so vivid that it can’t be made up, but who knows. Anyway, this story brought me peace within myself just for a short time while I calmed down from a feud I had with my mother. I hope that I can get better, and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that the anger and melancholy goes away. It’s just a case of when. Right now, I must continue to find myself, continue to try to find out what my purpose in life is, and to be kind to the people I love.
Charlotte xxx
Hey Guys.
This is a slight emotive and a not too uplifting post for you to read; so I warn you. In this post, I will describe in vague detail what happened to me on the dates of 27th, 28th, and 31st December 2012, and the 1st, and 2nd of January 2013. It eats me up everyday, but I think I’m just a little bit ready to share it, also I think it would benefit me in the way that I can express how I feel about the situation, however on the other hand, it may destroy me even more and make me remember the little details that I live with. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me; this isn’t an ‘attention seeking’ post and I will gain nothing from this post except a spill out of emotions.
I was sexually abused (The forcing of unwanted sexual activity by one person on another, as by the use of threats or coercion), By my mum’s boyfriends son, which is why the situation is complicated, but it shouldn’t be, right?
He asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no, but he insisted. I knew he has/had anger management problems. I continued to say no. He dragged me around the corner in the warehouse when our break finally came, and he didn’t let me go, because I was ‘his property’. He was so much bigger than me, and stronger. He decided he wanted me, and in the end he finally got me. After dragging me round the corner of a palette, he pushed me up against the side of it and kept kissing my neck, while holding my mouth shut. He felt me, he ran his dirty hands up my legs and around my waist. I struggled free and crawled under his legs; but he simply grabbed me by my hair and pushed me back down onto the floor. He carried on, but he was half laying on me; he preferred this way because no one could see us behind the palettes as they walked past. Our break was over, and I was still working with him, sticking stickers on waffles that were being sent to Tescos. It was lunchtime, and unfortunately, my mums boyfriend was treating us to a McDonalds. I was furious with Jack, and now I had to sit with him while he stared at me eating. We got back to the warehouse, but still had a while till we started work again. He took me by the wrist and pulled me until we got to the unisex toilets. He locked us in, and cuddled me. His arms covered the top half of my body and I was forced to smell his clothing. The next day, I carried on and got back to work. Break time came, I asked my mums boyfriend if I could go out and go to the shop. But Jack came with me. We went to the park. We got back, and lunchtime was worse. He went out to get lunch for us, so I hid. He found me after he rang me, he wanted to play a dirty version of truth or dare. I said no. But he started up the app for it on his phone. I cried, a lot. He watched the tears that streamed down my face, but he ignored it, he didn’t care. He watched me cry, but usually found it amusing. You can guess what happened next. I was an idiot. I was texting my friend Gemma at the time, except I told her that he only tried to kiss me. But Jack continued to steel my phone so I could say no more. He got more aggressive because I fought more; he wanted to be inside of me, he wanted to use his hands and fingers any way he wanted; but he touched everything, and I mean everything. He wasn’t experienced in any way, he didn’t know what he was doing with my body, but it hurt, a lot. He grabbed me by my arms, which is why that place is the center of where my self harm is. He grabbed my hair. He ripped it out. He pushed me to the floor and held me up against walls and palettes. He threatened me and called me names. He held his hand over my mouth so that I couldn’t shout. He hurt me. I saw evil in him, I have never had so much hate for someone, and he betrayed my trust that he got from when we previously met. He let everyone I know down because of what he did; I trust no one, I have no proper friends, I haven’t had a relationship since, he makes me physically sick. He did worse to me than what I have talked about on the other days I saw him at work, but I won’t go into that. I was horrified at what I’d experienced, but afterwards I thought it was normal. Only a while later did I realise that no one is allowed or has any right to hurt you in any way. I thought, and do still think that what happened was all my fault. I constantly think about what I should have done differently. And who knows, it could be all be my fault. But, the things I have to deal with, I know are not my fault; I walk around the outside of a corner, just so I can see who’s around that corner of the corridor at school before I actually go round it, I don’t like sudden movements, or someone suddenly touching me without warning. I like hugs and cuddles, but I have to be able to breathe fully. I hate enclosed spaces, and spaces where I don’t know the way out of. I constantly wash myself with a lot of soap, because I still smell his scent and see his hand marks on my skin. I hate being around people because there’s a chance that they could hurt me physically, this boy has made me trapped, this boy has made me push people away, including the friends I used to have. This boy has made my social life hell. Like in Lord Of The Flies; I believe that there is a beast within every human being, I believe that it takes a horrible situation to bring it out of someone, Jack in Lord Of The Flies was one of the ones that represented the defects in human nature. The Jack I unfortunately came across, did the exact same; he let down humans, he showed the defects in human nature. And what’s worse, he doesn’t care, he didn’t think he did anything wrong, he got away scot free.
Charlotte xxx
Hey.
Sometimes, happiness can have consequences, but for other people besides yourself.
But for your own happiness, would you let these consequences enter the lives of the people around you? See, I don’t think I could. I follow through with steps to the unknown.. suicide, and then hold myself back purely because I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to be here, but I’d rather spare their feelings, than die knowing I’m a selfish person, which I am not.
I imagine my mum finding me, I imagine my younger sisters finding me… how cruel would that be, to find your big sister or your daughter completely lifeless, but without the pain that she lived with day after day when she was alive. I imagine my funeral, but I don’t imagine anyone there except two close friends and some of my family, no one else really cares to see me sad. I imagine the days after my death, the years that follow my death, how would my mum cope? My sisters? My dad, how would he cope with the guilt of not knowing anything about the sadness my life has come to? He has another family, my mum has never told him anything about the past year of my life, he would be crushed. I also think about a blog that I read frequently called My Bright Shining Star, which is written by a mother who lost her child to suicide and suffers from depression herself. Rhonda talks about the sadness that has taken over her since her daughter committed suicide on the 11th of April last year. It makes me unhappy to hear how she feels, as this is how my own mother may feel if I do the same. I imagine the world without me, or my school without me; except when I think about that, nothing changes and everything carries on. I don’t believe my two best friends would care for long about my death, which upsets me enormously, however, they hide emotion and are older, I believe that both of them would keep any emotion they have towards me, locked up. I imagine my horse, and my other pets who I have special bonds with. It would confuse them if they had another person taking them on walks, etc.
I’m sad, I’m drowning, my lifeless mind is trapped inside a body that is alive. I hate waking up wondering if I’ll make it through that day, or if I may be tipped too much over the edge to cope. I think I want to die, but in reality I want to be saved.
Charlotte xxx
MonstersInsideMyHead 