Punishment or Not?

Hey Guys..

My post ‘The Boy That Got Away; An Inadequacy of Justice‘ briefly touched on the lack of punishment that this boy received; which greatly angers me. However, I could have been wrong saying that he had no punishment, as my mum assured me he did in a CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service) appointment I had today. 

Knowing that someone like him got no punishment makes me feel angry, but most of all lonely. I feel like I’m shouting to these important people about something significant, yet they don’t hear me, or think that it’s not as serious as I make it out to be. I feel frustrated and like I’ve been left on my own to cope with something that has had an impact on my life. When someone hurts you, you want them to be severely punished so that they feel as much physical pain as you did emotionally, physically, and mentally. You want them to be hurt, to understand or experience just some of the pain you did. You want them to know that their actions were wrong, you just want them hurt, but sometimes this does not happen, and you feel let down by the important people that are supposed to be there to help you. 

I said that there was an inadequacy of justice because I had not been informed that any proper punishment had been given, and I still stand by that tonight despite hearing what my mother had to say this morning. When this came out in the middle of last year, this is what happened: The school told my mum what I had told my counsellor previously that day, she then met Terry (her boyfriend) and told him what Jack had done. He said he needed to sort it out and went back to his ex wife’s house, where Jack lives and he told Jacks mum, she demanded for the police to be called, but instead they got an emergancy social worker round and they interviewed Jack. I was not aware that this had happened all in the same night, and I didn’t know the full extent of the visit from the social worker. Days later, It was on Jack’s medical record and he was taken to the doctors by Terry to have an anger management test. I didn’t know this either, but the doctors was the end of how far the situation would go and nothing more was done about it. The safety officer at my school offered to drive me to the police station to report the incident, however my mother was very against the idea, therefore nothing was reported and it wasn’t brought up by anyone. 

My mother told me that his punishment was guilt, and that his dad had chosen my family and so he had lost part of his dad to us. She said that he will have to live with his actions for the rest of his life and he will never be apart of the family get- togethers or anything like that; which is his punishment. But to me, that is not a punishment. Guilt is an emotional consequence, it is what he got for doing what he did, he felt guilt when it all came out, but that is not a punishment. He wasn’t hurt like I was, he got a mild ‘smack on the wrist’ and he carried on with his life. My mother then went on to say that his testosterone and and sexual desires took over him, and he couldn’t get out of that situation either, which I believe is not true. My mum said that she would support him in the future if he was ever to marry, she said that in the future, he may feel even more guilt. She made out that it was okay what he did, and that he was ‘just being an over- excited teenaged boy’. No. He was not just that, I saw evil and determination in his eyes. I saw something indescribable, that was far away from the innocent lad he makes out to be. 

I cannot understand how anyone could do such a thing, and only feel guilt when they are told that it is wrong. Terry found a lot of pornography on his laptop, and he said that this is why he did what he did; these people aren’t real in these videos, but he thought it was okay to treat women like that in real life. That was Terry’s excuse for him. I cannot describe my anger or frustration that this causes me, I am so so confused as to how and why this boy ‘could not’ stop what he was doing. I don’t understand how anyone, as a matter of fact could be so evil, and do something so horrible that it’ll change that persons life for the worst, and not feel that much guilt towards it. I have so many questions, that cannot be answered. I often wonder what goes through these evil people’s minds, and if they see other people as objects to destroy. I don’t know if he put on a hard front, and that he was guilty and upset inside, or if he was generally emotionless and didn’t care or quite understand what he had done, he showed no emotion, he didn’t deny what he did, nor did he defend himself, nor even admit it. He just sat there without a care in the world.

I don’t know if others would see this as a punishment, but I think that something more should have been done and that he has learned no lesson, other than not to get caught next time. I don’t know if I’m being to harsh, but he should have felt punishment and gotten half the pain I got from what he did to me. 

Charlotte xxx

 

 

The Boy That Got Away; An Inadequacy of Justice.

Hey Guys.

This is a slight emotive and a not too uplifting post for you to read; so I warn you. In this post, I will describe in vague detail what happened to me on the dates of 27th, 28th, and 31st December 2012, and the 1st, and 2nd of January 2013. It eats me up everyday, but I think I’m just a little bit ready to share it, also I think it would benefit me in the way that I can express how I feel about the situation, however on the other hand, it may destroy me even more and make me remember the little details that I live with. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me; this isn’t an ‘attention seeking’ post and I will gain nothing from this post except a spill out of emotions.

I was sexually abused (The forcing of unwanted sexual activity by one person on another, as by the use of threats or coercion), By my mum’s boyfriends son, which is why the situation is complicated, but it shouldn’t be, right?

He asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no, but he insisted. I knew he has/had anger management problems. I continued to say no. He dragged me around the corner in the warehouse when our break finally came, and he didn’t let me go, because I was ‘his property’. He was so much bigger than me, and stronger. He decided he wanted me, and in the end he finally got me. After dragging me round the corner of a palette, he pushed me up against the side of it and kept kissing my neck, while holding my mouth shut. He felt me, he ran his dirty hands up my legs and around my waist. I struggled free and crawled under his legs; but he simply grabbed me by my hair and pushed me back down onto the floor. He carried on, but he was half laying on me; he preferred this way because no one could see us behind the palettes as they walked past. Our break was over, and I was still working with him, sticking stickers on waffles that were being sent to Tescos. It was lunchtime, and unfortunately, my mums boyfriend was treating us to a McDonalds. I was furious with Jack, and now I had to sit with him while he stared at me eating. We got back to the warehouse, but still had a while till we started work again. He took me by the wrist and pulled me until we got to the unisex toilets. He locked us in, and cuddled me. His arms covered the top half of my body and I was forced to smell his clothing. The next day, I carried on and got back to work. Break time came, I asked my mums boyfriend if I could go out and go to the shop. But Jack came with me. We went to the park. We got back, and lunchtime was worse. He went out to get lunch for us, so I hid. He found me after he rang me, he wanted to play a dirty version of truth or dare. I said no. But he started up the app for it on his phone. I cried, a lot. He watched the tears that streamed down my face, but he ignored it, he didn’t care. He watched me cry, but usually found it amusing. You can guess what happened next. I was an idiot. I was texting my friend Gemma at the time, except I told her that he only tried to kiss me. But Jack continued to steel my phone so I could say no more. He got more aggressive because I fought more; he wanted to be inside of me, he wanted to use his hands and fingers any way he wanted; but he touched everything, and I mean everything. He wasn’t experienced in any way, he didn’t know what he was doing with my body, but it hurt, a lot. He grabbed me by my arms, which is why that place is the center of where my self harm is. He grabbed my hair. He ripped it out. He pushed me to the floor and held me up against walls and palettes. He threatened me and called me names. He held his hand over my mouth so that I couldn’t shout. He hurt me. I saw evil in him, I have never had so much hate for someone, and he betrayed my trust that he got from when we previously met. He let everyone I know down because of what he did; I trust no one, I have no proper friends, I haven’t had a relationship since, he makes me physically sick. He did worse to me than what I have talked about on the other days I saw him at work, but I won’t go into that. I was horrified at what I’d experienced, but afterwards I thought it was normal. Only a while later did I realise that no one is allowed or has any right to hurt you in any way. I thought, and do still think that what happened was all my fault. I constantly think about what I should have done differently. And who knows, it could be all be my fault. But, the things I have to deal with, I know are not my fault; I walk around the outside of a corner, just so I can see who’s around that corner of the corridor at school before I actually go round it, I don’t like sudden movements, or someone suddenly touching me without warning. I like hugs and cuddles, but I have to be able to breathe fully. I hate enclosed spaces, and spaces where I don’t know the way out of. I constantly wash myself with a lot of soap, because I still smell his scent and see his hand marks on my skin. I hate being around people because there’s a chance that they could hurt me physically, this boy has made me trapped, this boy has made me push people away, including the friends I used to have. This boy has made my social life hell. Like in Lord Of The Flies; I believe that there is a beast within every human being, I believe that it takes a horrible situation to bring it out of someone, Jack in Lord Of The Flies was one of the ones that represented the defects in human nature. The Jack I unfortunately came across, did the exact same; he let down humans, he showed the defects in human nature. And what’s worse, he doesn’t care, he didn’t think he did anything wrong, he got away scot free.

Charlotte xxx

 

The Magical Thrill Of Long Walks..

 

Hey Guys!

I haven’t really thought about what I should write in this post; I guess I just wanted to chat a bit and basically just vent out what I’ve been thinking about for the last few days- so I shall write what comes into my head.. a spontaneously written post if you will.

I knew this week was going to be hard, and its only been 2 days so far into it which sucks. I think I’m only hating this week because I make it so much worse in my head, but everyone does that don’t they? I knew I was going to be sensitive, need my friends, be paranoid and anxious, etc.. but I didn’t know how much of a problem it would be and how raw the situation that happened exactly 1 year ago this week, was to me. I thought I would be able to push it to the very back of my mind, and I could deal with it, but I was completely wrong, and I can’t cope. I wasn’t honest with myself and I’ve not really come to terms with what happened properly. I won’t talk about my very real nightmare just yet, I’m not ready to; I was going to, but I think it’ll make me worse and bring everything to the surface again. I’ve also never spoken into depth about my feelings at the time and one year on, so it may be a shock to any close friends or family if they happen to read this. Maybe in time, I can share this stuff with you; but for now it continues to be locked away in a special chamber inside of my head, not yet to be opened. 

I’ve been thinking about three things, midnight walks, running away, and dying, Wow, what a lot of bad ideas you may think to yourself. But in my fucked up mind, it makes sense to me to do either of these things, I feel it may help, but after a long time thinking, I don’t think this is the answer, and it won’t help me at all. I have fields near my house, last night I walked through them and after ages walking I found a canal or a river, it was dark. But I didn’t know where abouts I was, but it felt good, I was away from everything, I wasn’t sure where I was, but I wasn’t near the dangers of home or life. I felt like I wasn’t actually me, like I had no problems, and I sat there for a while with my phone off, until I received a number of missed phone calls from 2 friends that I had not replied to their texts; which worried them. Now that I’ve experienced just walking and not stopping and seeing where I get to, makes me scared to think that I will want more of this in time, and I frankly don’t want to be wandering off places that I don’t know, just to feel good. I should be feeling good in my own surroundings, at home, at school, around other people.. but I don’t. I’ve often thought of running away, just to feel good and like I have no problems; and like my thrill for midnight walks, it won’t help in the long run. Running away is cowardly because as far as you run, you still have the problems you’re carrying, nothing gets rid of them. I’ve asked many questions; ‘what would it be like to run away, not tell anyone, and see where you get to?’ , ‘Would my problems be gone if I wasn’t here?’.. and then I think, ‘How would that affect other people.. the people I’m surrounded by?’, and this question upsets me. I don’t know how anyone would react.. They could miss me, they could carry on with their lives and not give me another thought. Personally, I only see about 3 people that actually care for me, but as they continue to assure me that so many more people care about me than I realise.. I fail to see the truthfulness behind it. I don’t see anyone. Picture this: there are millions of stones closely packed together on this small area, but you always find those stray, desolate, forlorn stones well away from these other adjacent stones; in an area by themselves. These adjacent, close- together stones have bonds and lots of other stones around them, where as the forlorn stone, well away from the others, is alone and doesn’t have anyone around them.. I see myself as forlorn and not with the others. I don’t see any other people around or adjacent to me, When I look around, I don’t see anyone else.  On a number of occasions I have asked myself what it would be like to die. I’ve imagined it on countless occasions. What does it feel like? Are you free? What happens next? I don’t know what I believe, I don’t know what I think about life after death. I just believe that you are free from troubles, and that it is good on the other side. I don’t want to be here anymore; my doctor asked me a few days ago ‘do you have suicidal thoughts and thoughts of hurting yourself?’, with me replying ‘yes’, she proceeded to ask ‘Have you thought of ways to do it? If so, how would you harm or kill yourself?’ and I gave her my answers. It scared me.. I scared myself.. I told her 4 ways to die, so accurately and vivid.. when had I thought this through? I knew where, how, what with, and what time of day would be best. I honestly was slightly freaked out, and she was too, but she wrote it down in my notes that were filling up incredibly fast. I often think about what it would be like. I want to try it. People say that you can have near death experiences, and come back to the real world of living.. this amazes me. But I’m too much of a coward to try anything or actually set out to do it.. I have a fear of not being able to breathe, I panic if I can’t breathe.. this is pretty ironic considering I’m a person that would give up life, to see a chance of happiness beyond. But never mind. I will continue to fight, even if the fight gets stronger and harder each day, but I will do it:)

Charlotte xxx

A Letter To My Mum..

Mum

I thought I’d write you a letter so that I can get across what I’m actually feeling as I’ve never given you or anyone a true and honest insight into what goes on in my head on a day to day basis.

You know I go to the Web at school every friday for my weekly appointment. I go there to talk to Miss Slifi about whatever is on my mind, and it’s almost as if I look forward to it; it’s my time to talk about what I want, it’s my time to get everything out. You don’t like this because you think I should talk to you about it and I agree, however, I hate to make you upset and for you to feel like you’ve done something wrong, which is why I keep it to myself all the time. Miss Slifi knows some of this, you know some of what I am going to say, but a lot of it you only know the minor details.

I feel that my mind is just darkness; I see the darkness in everything and there is never a positive that I see. You purchased the multivitamins and the ‘Good Mood’ tablets, and I should probably wait longer, but I feel that they do nothing for me whatsoever, I feel the same as I always do. I constantly feel sad. I know there is something wrong and this isn’t right, but the front I put on fools everyone.  The friends I no longer have, has an input into my depression, but Jack is the main aspect of it, but not all the time. It’s been a year, and I don’t show any emotion over him or what he did. But it hurts. What he did has affected me more recently and it is almost as if my mind counts down the exact days to when it happened- December 27th, 30th, 31st- January 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th 2012. In the past few months I feel more angry and frustrated and upset about what he did, because it’s hit me that he took advantage of me and I should have stopped him, but I couldn’t. I find it hard to talk/socialise/interact with people because my head sais they’ll hurt me, even if it’s my best friend. I feel like I can never know someone fully and I can’t trust anyone because there is a chance that what Jack did, could happen again, and in every human there are defects and rape could be one that everyone has within them, but who knows. I’m scared of physical contact; hugs, handshakes, hand holding, someone brushing past me.. I feel anxious if someone goes in for a hug, I hate it when anybody touches me. I walk round the outside of every corner just so I can see round it so I’m sure theres no one there waiting for me.. Jack hid around the corners and other places, waiting for me in the warehouse.

I can never make myself happy, I smile because it’s what is expected of me, but I’m always on the verge of crying, and my head is screaming inside. I feel like I am lost and I can’t find my way back to the old me. I am stuck in this moment of time and I can see everyone moving on and continuing with their lives, and then there’s just me.. isolated and lost. I’m stuck in my trapped mind and I can’t break free from it. I feel as if I’m drowning and everyone is floating above the surface and keeping their heads up, but I’m drowning and I’m being dragged under constantly. And as I reach the surface, another big wave comes along to drag me back under.

I have negative and bad thoughts, suicidal even. My dreams can be disturbing and I’ve told you one, but not in detail. I have dreams about friends, family, or people I know, killing themselves. In one of my dreams in which I had the other week, Fiona hung herself on the basketball hoop in my school playground, but I was the only one to know she was there.  And after this dream, she came back to tell me who was next to commit suicide and in another dream, it came true. I have thoughts where I think ‘If I wasn’t here.. this wouldn’t have happened’ etc, but I’m a coward so I wouldn’t go through with it.

I’m sorry, I Love You.

Charlotte xxx

 

Saying No? My thoughts..

 

He was on me. But he was too heavy to push off, yet what was I supposed to do?

Saying ‘no’ to something is often put out there by the media and people around you. It is also something that is ‘taught’ and the idea is that it is easy enough to follow that and be able to just say no to a situation that you don’t want to be in. However, there are the rare occasions that some unfortunate people can experience, where they cannot or are not able to say no.  But why is it so hard to say ‘no’ or ‘get off of me’ or ‘leave me alone’? 

Two Youtubers, Zoella and SprinkleOfGlitter (Louise), made a video about ‘Boundaries and Saying No’. This video made me think a lot about how we are almost told and taught to say no if we feel like we need to, but sometimes the words don’t flow out of your mouth quite so easily as it’s going round your head. This video talked about situations like holding hands, kissing, hugging etc. However, I feel like I’d like to touch on the more distressing situations that one can come across during their lifetime. 

No one should feel so under pressure, so out of control, so helpless and so stuck in a situation, that they can’t get the right words out of their mouth and do not have the ability to think straight or take immediate action. It’s sad hearing stories where people are taken advantage of, and their voice does not speak loud enough for the other person to acknowledge or take seriously.  But when these victims have the great courage to speak out about what happened to them, the most frequently, unsympathetic question asked is ‘Well why didn’t you cry for help?’, ‘Why didn’t you shove them off of you?’, ‘Why didn’t you call anyone?’, ‘You didn’t shout? You could have told them to stop, surely?’, ‘You could’ve said no?’ And the reason why this is so asked and the reply is so doubted, is because saying no is what you’re taught to just say in a situation, as easy as that. And if you further reply with ‘they still didn’t stop’, the next question asked is ‘well why didn’t you try harder?’. The truth is, is that no person should ever have to fight to get out of a horrible situation that they didn’t strive to be in, in the first place. They should not have to try harder to relieve themselves of this power being released from another person; if it wasn’t their wish to be like that in the first place. But what is stopping you from saying no? Or setting these boundaries? You would have thought that crying for help or saying no, would have been easy if you were in trouble? But it’s not. It’s so scary not knowing whether to shout or not; not knowing what this person could or would do to you if you were to try to get help. Either way, they overpowered you once, what are the chances they’ll do worse next time? Your only thought is basically to come out alive or with some form of acknowledgment of what is going on around you.. But once you do break free, who do you run to? Where do you run to? Because now, no where and no one is safe in your eyes. Even when you do approach them in this mindset of pure shock and disgust, no one can help you. No one can help you after this; your barrier is already up. Someone you thought was innocent, had just hurt you in the most scarring way possible. You have witnessed the defects in human nature; everyone is dangerous, ‘who will come at you next?’; is your next question. If you go to someone, will they believe you? There are many questions that you are forced to ask yourself. And the most important question that you try to answer, is ‘Why didn’t I say no?’. But how could you? At that moment in time, you were something small, they didn’t care about what you wanted or you saying no, all they cared about was what they were getting out of it; not what you were. You were forced to keep quiet, your shocked, unaware mind couldn’t process the words. But no one will ever understand how hard these words are to say when you are the victim of something so dangerous and involved in an issue so significant in the world at the moment. 

These people are monsters- they take away your freedom of speech. Everyone should be able to say NO. Everyone should have that courage, but when that ability is so cruelly ripped away from you, your world becomes impossible and you are sucked into this atmosphere where what this person is doing, is okay. And it’s not.