As I Lay Awake Late at Night..

As I lay awake late at night I think and reflect on what I am compared to what I used to be weeks, even months ago. 

Like many other teenagers, I often find that my deepest thoughts come in the early hours of the morning. As I am writing this post, it’s just gone past midnight, but I feel so strongly to write. Recently I’ve gone downhill from the progress I was actually making; I gave in to the monsters inside my head, I self harmed, I let people at school take control of me, and I thought about bad thoughts. I’ve been weak and unsociable, but I can’t help it. 

I’m going to talk about the ‘monsters inside my head’. These ‘monsters’ aren’t monsters yet I feel like I have someone else inside of me, as well as me, and they talk to me. In therapy, I learnt to ignore them and they went away for a while, however, they’ve started to work their way back into my head and I find myself daydreaming often and listening to them. If you know me personally, you’d know that I go to bed early in order to ensure that I don’t think too deeply late at night, but tonight I find myself in these thoughts. I self harmed and gave in to the monsters after 3 months of recovery, this devastated me, but I still did it knowing I’d have failed myself. What I did shows weakness, cowardliness, and most of all failure. I can’t even tell you why I did it. But I can describe to you what I felt before I did it. The process and transitions have always been the same leading up to cutting. I hit a lower mood than usual first of all and the thoughts of what I could do to myself get worse yet become so pleasurable, I then walked to my mothers bathroom cabinet, knowing her 4 razor blades would be in there in their little plastic packets. I took them out and walked back to my room with them as well as taking tissue and anti bacteria wipes. I empty my own blades out of my China Cat ornament on my set of drawers in my room and I study each blade. I reached for the bandage I have in my drawer, just in case. I then went through a thought process of where I was going to do it on my body, I examined each bit carefully and decided where I was going to touch the blade to my skin. I selected my blade, and I chose my hips as it could be easily covered, and it is a bone area so I wouldn’t have to cut too deep for it to hurt. I sat on my bed and knew that what I was doing was wrong. Despite this, my skin tingled and my urges got stronger. The monsters’ voices got louder and I couldn’t think of anything else, my stomach flipped and my palms were full of sweat.  I could almost see the lovely sight of red blood, I could almost feel the stinging sensation and I could visualise the scar it would leave. I scraped the blade once over my skin, regretted it but didn’t and couldn’t stop. I went in for the proper cut and I did it. I then was careful cleaning it and putting stuff over it, I felt like some sort of professional that knew exactly what to do. So thats what I do and feel when I cut. 

Late at night, I also think about who I am and who people think I am. Many people at my school don’t like me, and I couldn’t care less because at the end of the day, you’ll be by yourself in the world later on in life and working towards what you want to do, as an individual, therefore these immature kids I’m surrounded with everyday are irrelevant to my life. However, who and what I see myself as does matter. I see myself as a nice person, but I say it how it is, I don’t hold back, and I always tell the truth no matter what the outcome is. I’m completely honest in my opinions, and I stand my ground. I’m someone who is shy at first, but has so many things to say. I’m shy because I’m tactful, I get a measure of people before I share my opinions with them, I learn to know who they are before I let them know who I am, I keep my guard up until I think they’re safe. I’m outgoing when you know me, and I can behave in the oddest of ways, but it’s who I am and not many people know that side yet. 

To round this post of as my laptop batteries dying, I can sometimes lay awake at night and my thoughts go beyond deep. I reflect on life, and it’s normally not of good things, but when I wake up in the morning, I know that it’s a new day and only I can pull  myself through recovery. 

Charlotte xxx

What I would call ‘Drowning’..

Hey Guys:)

I’m getting quite into this blogging thing; I didn’t realise I would have such a good response- Thanks:)

I’ll get straight to the point- The only word I can use to describe how I am feeling is drowning. But drowning is to do with water? Well yeah, but it is also associated by me with the emotions that I am struggling to overcome and comprehend. The only way I can describe depression is that you are drowning but you can see everyone around you breathing, but you can’t swim to the top, you cannot bring your head above the water, it’s too much of a challenge. You are already tired of fighting with your mind, tired of dragging yourself out of bed every single morning, to live for what? The challenge you need to overcome to survive is too much of a struggle, you are too tired already. The water is your emotions, your problems, your flaws, your deepest darkest secrets. They continue to drag you down, but you cannot swim to the top. But what if you don’t want to swim anymore? What if you don’t want to float above water? You have got into this cycle and you cannot get out of it. Your mind is too tired, too tired to keep fighting, too tired to keep hoping, too tired to want to live, you just cannot be bothered, you can’t continue to do it anymore. And the questions still circles round and round your mind and it will not move, ‘Shall I just end it?’, ‘Who will notice?’, ‘Why am I here?’. And when you do get to your lowest point at 3 in the morning, everything you look at, everything you touch or imagine is something to hurt yourself with. But what good does it do hurting yourself? Well I don’t know. It releases all the inner conflict you have within yourself. You focus on the pain you have just inflicted, and for that second when you bleed, you don’t think about your problems, flaws, inner hatred.. you’re captured on the stinging sensation coming from a body part that once had clean skin, that once you thought was beautiful. Depression is an emotion that can be overcome, you can be happy. But it swallows or ‘drowns’ so many people each year. These people have struggled for a long time, fighting the battle of the monsters inside their heads. These ‘monsters’ speak to you, they take over your mind to the point where you can’t concentrate, to the point that these voices speak louder than your own. You sit there in class, in your room etc, listening to these voices telling you you’re worthless, telling you you’re a horrible person, telling you that you don’t deserve to be here, telling you that everything around you is an object you can end your life with. You listen to them because you have to, you have no choice. They’re too loud, they know how to put you off guard. But no one else knows about these voices do they? They’re not loud enough for others to hear. They just continue to take over and drown your mind in things you do not want to hear, things you cannot take anymore. These voices are made up. You are beautiful and you should believe it. 

Charlotte xxx