The Consequences That Would Mean Happiness.

Hey.

Sometimes, happiness can have consequences, but for other people besides yourself.

But for your own happiness, would you let these consequences enter the lives of the people around you? See, I don’t think I could. I follow through with steps to the unknown.. suicide, and then hold myself back purely because I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to be here, but I’d rather spare their feelings, than die knowing I’m a selfish person, which I am not.

I imagine my mum finding me, I imagine my younger sisters finding me… how cruel would that be, to find your big sister or your daughter completely lifeless, but without the pain that she lived with day after day when she was alive. I imagine my funeral, but I don’t imagine anyone there except two close friends and some of my family, no one else really cares to see me sad. I imagine the days after my death, the years that follow my death, how would my mum cope? My sisters? My dad, how would he cope with the guilt of not knowing anything about the sadness my life has come to? He has another family, my mum has never told him anything about the past year of my life, he would be crushed. I also think about a blog that I read frequently called My Bright Shining Star, which is written by a mother who lost her child to suicide and suffers from depression herself. Rhonda talks about the sadness that has taken over her since her daughter committed suicide on the 11th of April last year. It makes me unhappy to hear how she feels, as this is how my own mother may feel if I do the same. I imagine the world without me, or my school without me; except when I think about that, nothing changes and everything carries on. I don’t believe my two best friends would care for long about my death, which upsets me enormously, however, they hide emotion and are older, I believe that both of them would keep any emotion they have towards me, locked up. I imagine my horse, and my other pets who I have special bonds with. It would confuse them if they had another person taking them on walks, etc.

I’m sad, I’m drowning, my lifeless mind is trapped inside a body that is alive. I hate waking up wondering if I’ll make it through that day, or if I may be tipped too much over the edge to cope. I think I want to die, but in reality I want to be saved.

Charlotte xxx