Hey..

Hey guys! 

I’m aware of the lack of posts, and it’s because of a lack of imagination in all honesty. I can’t write about my problems anymore because I don’t have as many as I did before and they are no where near as bad. So basically, I’m okay. I never thought I’d get to the point in my life where I’d think to myself ‘I’m actually okay, I’ve made it through.’ With the help of a new group of friends, my numerous counsellors and teachers at school, I’ve done it. Sometimes I get bad days, but who doesn’t, you know. I now know how to cope on a bad day, it’s amazing, I’ve been saved and I finally feel like I’m myself again, It feels like I have a future but before I didn’t see one as you all know.

Guys, time heals everything. If someone had told me that a year ago today, I would have told them to f*** off because when you’re in that state of mind any encouragement is false. But seriously it does get better, I’ve learnt to surround myself with positive people and anyone that’s feeling the way I did should try and do that as well. 

How are you guys now? I’d like to know how far you have all come. 

Thank you for all the support you guys have ever given me, it got me through. 

Charlotte xxx

New Year, New Me.. Just kidding.

Hey guys!

So another year has passed and 2014 has been very eventful you could say!

I’m not going to make up a load of cliché resolutions like not eating chocolate and eating healthily and going to the gym at least 4 times a week.. Because we all know that that isn’t going to happen!
But what I did want to write about was the fact that I couldn’t have gotten through this year without my blog and without you lovely people that read it. So thank you so much and I promise I’ll write more for you, I just need a little inspiration!

In 2015 I do hope to carry on progressing and getting better because everything’s going quite well at the moment. I hope to be positive and to enjoy myself, I think I deserve to have a good year if I do say so myself!

I hope you all have a wonderful 2015, you all deserve it. Stay positive, be happy, and treasure your loved ones.

Have a good one, love you all,
Charlotte xxx

Pleasing Yourself And No one Else..

Hey guys!

I really do apologise for the lack of posts, everything’s been happening recently and I’ve not had time to write anything for you guys!

My topic for today is pleasing yourself and no one else; recently I feel like I’ve been trying to make everyone else happy and haven’t even thought about myself. I feel like the reason people expect so much from me is because I basically aim to please them and they know it. This weekend while I’ve been at work, I’ve been thinking, well rather much reflecting.. (And in no way working, sorry boss) about the fact that I’ve not thought about myself in a certain situation and I’ve completely sacrificed my happiness in order to conserve someone else’s feelings.

I know that you should always in most cases put other people first, which I do. But I’ve found that there comes a limit you know, and sometimes you’ve got to think about the situation you’re in and tell yourself you need to be happy as well. There has been loads of times where I’m sure everyone has put someone else first and later on regretted it because they suffer instead; I don’t want to be that person. You have times where you put people first because you care, you have times where you don’t put yourself first but rather put something like work or school work first, that’s okay but there’s a limit. I think that everyone should take time out sometimes and do something for them, something that makes them happy.

This past week has been pretty hard and I felt and still feel completely done with people, I feel like I’d never want to put someone else first again. I put someone else first last week and put friendship over a relationship; everyone knows that friendship is more important and at the end of the day you’ll be crying over a failed relationship with your best friend and laughing it off and being weird together; no one else seems to matter as long as you have that friendship.

However, people get involved and you become unhappy that you’ve destroyed that initial sign that you like someone; you know that feeling when you want them to text, you automatically smile when you see them round school, they are the last person you think of when you’re going to sleep, and you lay in bed thinking ‘how the bloody hell did I end up with this amazing person?’ Yeah that’s me. But I shrugged it off and couldn’t hurt my friend but I was unhappy because there was more tension between us now than before, and I thought I’d lost a guy i’d really really liked. Because everyone hated on the new relationship, we stopped but still got grief because it shouldn’t have happened, but the point is it did. Now, I reflected and thought ‘well why should I give up on a relationship because it was unexpected and also lose my friend at the same time?’ It seems kind of selfish but they were long gone with the idea, so I thought i’d rather be happy than wander about feeling sorry for myself having lost them both. So I thought of myself and put myself first, which was much needed. I’m so happy, although I seem selfish and disloyal to my friend, at least I’m happy. I deserve that right?

I haven’t explained much but the point is, is that I thought of myself and put my feelings and happiness first and it’s all been worth it. What have you done that you regret because you didn’t put yourself first? What have you done because you’ve put yourself first and no one else this time?

Think about putting yourself first for once, it doesn’t matter how small or big this thing is but I guarantee you it’ll make all the difference.

Love you guys,
Charlotte xxx

Life Updates and Not So Exciting School Stuff.

Hey Guys!

So where do I begin? I’ve been a busy bee and working on a few things for my blog, hence the lack of posts so I apologise!

Now, since I’ve been gone I’ve taken all my GCSE’s, been on holiday, completed most of my ’25 things to do’ list, started sixth form, and done a load of other cool things.
So my results.. I actually managed to get 1 A*, 4 A’s, 4 B’s, and a D; so I’m pretty pleased considering my mocks went awfully wrong due to the situation I was in if you remember. I can’t even tell you how hard I worked to catch up in year 11, it was awful but I finally achieved some decent grades, which I didn’t think I’d be getting just 6 months ago.
The next thing I did was to go on holiday to Spain with my family, which was awesome! It was a well deserved break I reckon, and we met some lovely people. The locals out there are so lovely and nice to speak to and we did some nice things. For example, Terry and I went to the traditional market, we went on a 5km walk (which killed me), and we went to Gibraltar for the day, all fantastic things! So instead of being lazy and lying on my sun bed for the whole time, I did things and it was really cool:)- I’ll insert some pics in a separate post later on.

Next on my list to talk about is my ’25 things to do’ list, (https://monstersinsidemyheadsufferer.wordpress.com/2014/06/24/summer-and-being-optimistic-through-my-eyes/ )I’m glad to say that I managed to do nearly everything, with a few minor exceptions unfortunately. The whole point in creating a book on doing things this summer was to be optimistic and give me something to look forward to, rather than staying inside the whole of the summer and watching youtube videos day in, day out. So, at least I achieved something which made me feel good:)

Sixth form. What a scary thought haha, I feel so young. Even too young to have done my GCSE’s and now starting A levels, it’s so weird. The subjects I chose to take were Biology, Chemistry, English, and Geography; 2 of which subjects I received an A in. So far so good, it’s okay just a lot of work. And now I must thrive to achieve in AS level and maybe reduce the amount of posts on this blog. However, I have stuff planned and I’ll use my free periods to provide you guys with something to read, sound good?

Now that is all I feel I should speak to you about, I must go and finish memorising definitions on population growth, wish me luck!

Charlotte xxx

The Scars That Line My Skin..

Hey Guys!

Although I’ve had all the help possible
given to me, I can say that I’m at the late stages of recovery, normality you could say. Despite this, I am forced to still look at the scars that line my skin. These ‘lines’ that reflect my life and what I went through still haunt me and remind me what I used to be. But although these deep scars up my arms and legs haunt me, they also remind me that I’m better and I’m no longer surrounded by darkness, or ‘drowning’ as a way I put it in previous posts.

Now, I’m pretty proud of my recovery because I’ve had many setbacks, not to mention the still current setbacks I’m dealing with. Nonetheless, I have found better coping strategies than to harm myself and cut myself to the point where I can see muscle or bone.

In a way I’m proud of my scars, they almost represent battle wounds if you could look at it that way. I fought against myself for a long time before realising that I am the same person, and I should learn to live with whatever problems may come about me and deal with them properly. Beforehand, I battled with my emotions and I said to myself that I’m not allowed to feel angry or sad over a particular incident, but to feel like I was to blame. But I know now that i should have let myself be angry.

I sometimes hide my scars, but in the summer I worry that people see them as the ones on my are fairly big and deep. I’ve tried foundation and concealer in order to hide them, but it never works. Instead, I’ve thought about it and I don’t think I should be forced to hide anything. The scars that like my skin show that I’m strong in a way and I’ve fought for my life, literally.

So to anyone having a hard time, keep at life, it gets better.

Charlotte xxx

Forced Help and Recovery?

Hey guys!

I recently came across a post which wrote about forced help for mentally ill people, so people with actual disabilities, or the mentally ill people suffering with depression, OCD, paranoia, anxiety, etc. However, I haven’t actually read the post yet because I didn’t want it to influence my opinion, in which I’ll write about in this post.

So, forced help? Should it be provided? What if the victim doesn’t want help or feel they need it? In a way, I think that sufferers and victims should be offered the help, and if they decline it, I think that they should have a number of assessments in order to determine whether the help should be ‘forced’ or not. Now, forced help is a bit of a controversial topic by the sounds of it, and from experience there is a lot of factors that are looked at when discussing the help you need. When I went into therapy, I was assessed every 6 weeks in order to monitor how I was doing and if the help provided was actually necessary or doing what it was meant to do. We tried a number of things, including video diaries, talking, mind maps, emotion cards, blog writing, and describing emotions using things like stones and play-dough to create images. If you read my post on ‘The Magical Thrill of Long Walks’, you’ll see that I described myself using stones and this is what I wrote:

Picture this: there are millions of stones closely packed together in this small area, but you always find those stray, desolate, forlorn stones well away from these other adjacent stones; in an area by themselves. These adjacent, close- together stones have bonds and lots of other stones around them, where as the forlorn stone, well away from the others, is alone and doesn’t have anyone around them.. I see myself as forlorn and not with the others. I don’t see any other people around or adjacent to me, When I look around, I don’t see anyone else. 

Reading back, this scared me a little because I’ve come so far since then. Back to therapy, these methods worked for a bit, I much preferred the creative methods instead of talking because I struggle to find the right words to describe the depths of this inner conflict. My point is (after all this time, lol), my therapy was forced. Well forced is a strong word, so I would say it was strongly advised and my mother put me in the car and drove me even when I refused to go as I didn’t think anything could help such a sad and lonely person. I think that everyone should have the chance to be helped, even if they don’t want it at that time. But then again, who would want to remain sad? I think that sufferers should be asked if they want help and given options for different types of help and be informed about it, so their decision can be fully based on their knowledge. On the other hand, sufferers should be assessed or monitored and if they seem to be a danger to themselves or very very in need of help, they should get it. Now, if they refuse it, fine. They shouldn’t have it. But I believe that everyone should be helped at least once, and if the person doesn’t want it, (because I know it can be extremely daunting), they should be left and come back to at a later date and then ‘forced help’ should be provided to ensure they become safe and begin to understand how to recover. 

Okay, I’m not sure if my opinion is fully clear on that subject, but I guess we’ll come back to it, eh? Recovery. Recovery is not the same as help, it is a long process which requires willpower and self belief. I think that although help should sometimes be forced, recovery shouldn’t be. Recovery is something that only the sufferer can actually make the most out of, and help should still be given during the process. Recovery should be left up to the person, but with interference and assessments done also. The sufferer should know and learn that relapses will happen and sometimes there will be days where you go one step forward and three steps back. Recovery should have room for these things to happen, but assistance should be provided in order to learn how to deal and overcome a set back, which I’ve have many of I can assure you. 

Overall, I believe that help should be forced if the person refuses it first time, is a danger to themselves, or if an assessment shows that they need it ASAP. However, recovery shouldn’t be pushed or forced as it can only be up to the person to sort themselves out and change their ways. 

I’ll quite happily read your opinions on this subject if you comment below:)

Thanks for reading,

Charlotte xxx

Summer and Being Optimistic- Through My Eyes.

Hey Guys!

It’s summer now, which means longer nights, better weather and more memories. Am I right? When I think of summer, I associate it with BQQ’s, beaches, long walks, friends, and fun. As a part of my ‘looking forward’ and ‘positivity’ project and aim, I wrote a list of 25 things I’d like to do this summer, in which I will document in a scrapbook and take a picture or capture the moment for as many things as possible. It sounds slightly cliché and maybe a wee bit immature. However my friends, I believe that it will not only make me look forward to the future, but it will also encourage me to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I want to do. So here we have it, 25 things I’d like to do. Feel free to use this idea and I hope it’s inspiring.

    

1. I’d like to go to a foreign country and experience their culture.

2. I’d like to go to the beach in a foreign country.

3. I’d like to go to the beach for the day in my own country.

4. I’d like to go on outings with my friends and my boyfriend and do touristy things.

5. I’d like to try something new. This could be anything.

6. I’d like to hangout and see my friends as much as possible.

7. I’d like to write more inspiring and better posts on my blog.

8. I’d like to be more confident in swimwear and embrace my body.

9. I’d like to do more baking.

10. I’d like to step out of my comfort zone in some way.

11. I’d like my exam results to be decent.

12. I’d like to help someone out in any way possible.

13. I’d like to vlog and blog my holiday and do a Thru My Eyes video.

14. I’d like to see a movie that I’m desperate to see, such as The Fault in Our Stars.

15. I’d like to go out on walks and runs and embrace the outdoors where I live.

16. I’d like to generally get out more and be active.

17. I’d like to attend Prom and be as sociable as possible, even though I’ll be out of my comfort zone.

18. I’d like to keep my blog going and try my best with it.

19. I’d like to swim in the sea.

20. I’d like to go stargazing.

21. I’d like to watch the sunrise somewhere.

22. I’d like to have a family BBQ.

23. I’d like to get better and more skilled with makeup.

24. I’d like to visit London and go sight seeing.

25. I’d like to have fun and do something that makes me happy.

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I hope you’ve enjoyed this new type of post, and I’ll be sure to update you all at the end of summer;)

Charlotte xxx

A Blank Canvas.

Hey Guys!

I haven’t posted in a while due to exams and school related stress, so I apologise. I’m not sure that many of you will understand my thoughts in this post, but hopefully you’ll see what I’m trying to say.

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A Blank Canvas 

A blank canvas is yet to be drawn on, painted on, filled with all sorts of images and metaphors. A blank canvas is what your skin is before you self harm or damage it.

In one interpretation, self harm for e.g cutting or burning your skin, is like a piece of artwork; and this may not even be nice work. I see this because in a painting, your feelings are on the canvas and your design comes from within, just like someone that self harms. Their thoughts and feelings are there on the canvas, your skin.

A young, innocent child’s skin is a blank canvas, before they scatter it with cuts and grazes from running round, falling over, and learning how to ride a bike for example. The skin, like a canvas is what you make it to be. You could be cluttered with bruises and grazes, or you could protect yourself from the world. But, this isn’t the real world. This is a fantasy world, your Utopia world if you will. Children have their own Utopia’s, which is okay, however the parents are the ones to make it a real life situation for them. A child should experience every emotion possible in order to value and appreciate the emotions that are most needed, like being happy. Parents seem to experience neurosis or psychoneurosis, (not sure that’s the exact word I’m thinking of). They don’t let their children out of their sight and they wrap them up in cotton wool because of their own anxieties of the child getting hurt in some way.

It should come naturally that children draw on their blank canvas and that their life and injuries are shown because those are what make the person who they are. I believe that it’s the same with self harm and cutting, the scars that the person has left traced on their skin, is what makes them who they are. They’ve grown up learning that the real world isn’t the Utopia that their parents and people around them brought it up to be like. A self harmers skin is their emotions and feelings printed onto a canvas that is joined by scars from their childhood. All of these marks on the skin document their life and who they are. An artist has been brought up to release emotions onto a canvas, a self harmer or cutter as learnt to deal with their emotions in another way and create a piece of artwork on their skin, that is joined with marks and small scars from the childhood that they lived.

Look at your skin, do you have marks left from your childhood? Can you still remember the stories behind them? Those are what make you who you are.

The skin is like a blank canvas waiting to be filled with memories and symbols that reflect who they are and what they have been brought up to be, and most of all what they’ve dealt with and come across in their life times.

Charlotte xxx

The Difference Between Happiness and Sadness.

Hey Guys!

This is something that I wrote for homework about a year/2 years ago, before I started my blog. It’s not great so bear with, and I haven’t edited it in any way. I thought I’d share with you the piece that got me into writing. 

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The Difference Between Happiness and Sadness. 

 Happiness. That word, what does it mean? Is it good? Bad? I don’t know, I never know anymore. I don’t experience ‘happiness’ anymore. Being sad is horrible, it destroys you inside, and it ruins your life. But it’s the only way I know. How do you be ‘happy’? A part of my brain can’t carry on, pretending to everyone that I am happy, content, and relaxed. The other sais to carry on smiling; being fake to the people I care most about. Who am I? I am sad, lonely, angry, depressed. Who do people think I am? They think that I am happy, bubbly, at peace with myself. No. They couldn’t be more wrong. I wake up; I stare at the ceiling; I feel the warm tears that caress down my cheeks. Can I pretend like this anymore? It hurts. Kills even. But will I let this this sad ghost of me take over whom I really am; whom I present myself as? How do I become motivated? I’m not at the moment, I can tell you that.

 My life, I live two of them: My school life and my home life, both completely different. To my friends and the public I am perceived as confident and bubbly. I have no problems and my life, as a 15-year-old teenaged girl is perfect and normal filled with jealous hormonal girls wanting to be like me. But no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, do they? My home secret life consists of a sad, lonely, insecure teenaged girl who thinks nothing other than suicide as the best option as she sits on her bed with the curtains closed; blade at the ready.

 The blade, its metallic surface is cold and shiny; ready to be painted red and be warmed up in the palm of her hand and then fiercely swiped across her pale lifeless skin. The blade suddenly has a mind of its own as it springs from my hand, bouncing off the bedside table and the sound of it clanking on to my wooden floor springs to my ears. I bend to pick it up; my treasured possession was out of my reach for that fraction of a second. I scoop it up into my palm and hold it close like I cant let it go again. I feel the cold blade in my hand, my heart races and my skin tingles, my mind is taken over and my urge gets stronger, do I ignore it? Do I give in?

 Too late, I let out a sigh of relief. What have I done? I stare at my wrists and all the way up my lower arm; deep cuts clutter my skin. I watch the blood cascade my arms and drip onto my bedclothes. How do I hide this?

This feeling, this is what I love, what I look forward to for when I get home. For the few seconds as the blade breaks my skin, I don’t think about my sad life, no. I focus on the pain that I have just inflicted on myself, the pain that allows me to release the emotions deep inside of me. I cut myself regularly, I am drawn away from my life that I am forced to live, and for that small moment I forget everything. I sit peacefully and watch the blood drip from my arm and I take in this wonderful stinging sensation. Ah, but as the stinging wears away, I remember who I am; I remember how difficult my life is. With nowhere else to cut, what am I to do now? Once again, I stare at my blood stained arm, my thoughts returning back to the crazy idea of suicide. Would this solve everything? I haven’t a clue; a part of me hopes so.

 Arriving at school I forget last nights trauma and greet my cheerful friends with a warm big smile. I hug each one of them in turn; I need these hugs. We share the latest gossip and discuss the latest boy situation- everything is forgotten; I think I am happy. I open out my arms and ask for one last hug from my best friend before I make my way through the busy corridors of the Chalfonts the get to my class. The warm breath coming from Maddy brushes and tickles my ear and I feel her steady heart beat though her jumper. As I release Maddy, her arms gently brush against mine, ouch. The pain excruciated through my body, goosebumps appeared on my skin. I squinted my eyes and held my breath as I waited for what it seemed a lifetime until this stabbing pain passed. Maddy took a step back, did she notice?

 As I walked through the busy corridor, my paranoia kicked in. I felt judge mental eyes stare me up and down. Why were they looking at me? Did they know something? What have I done wrong? My breathing quickened and my legs turned to jelly. I couldn’t run, I walked fast; I burst into my classroom, this time everyone really was looking at me. I rushed to my seat and sat down not so gracefully and my palms were sweaty and sticky. What was that about? Surely no one knows who I am? No, it was just my mind playing tricks. The lesson passed and I continued to think about what the world would be like if I wasn’t here to dampen everyone’s moods. My eyes filled with tears, would anyone care? The bell sounded and I sprinted out of the class and ran home, I would do the deed tonight when my mum went out.

 My arms dripped with blood, the floor puddled with blotches of red and the blade laid there innocently on the bathroom floor, waiting to be picked up again. It shined in the light; it was a bright light that reflected onto the tiled wall. Was this bright light, heaven? Will I go to heaven? Or will I go to hell?

I lay on the bathroom floor; I then picked myself up and lifelessly crawled to my bedroom. My wardrobe; it was the perfect place. The rope was spread across my bed and my suicidal note was complete. The rope was a dirty brown colour with loose bits winding out of the neat twist; this is what I will use. I thought about my friends; my wonderful beautiful girls, my sisters briefly scattered my mind, my mum plastered in my brain, she wouldn’t move. I love her so much. Is it that selfish of me to end my life purely for my own comfort? I’ll leave that for others to judge..

Charlotte xxx

Unnatural Eating

Hey Guys!

As a sensitive topic to many teenagers and other people that I know may read this, this post is about eating disorders and how something so natural has produced such inner conflict with oneself.

An eating disorder is defined as having any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits. The main three examples of eating disorders are Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge eating.

Causes?

Eating disorders are often blamed on the social pressure to be thin, as young people in particular feel they should look a certain way due to how models, actresses, and celebrity idols are portrayed in social media. Abnormal eating can also occur through other disorders such as depression and OCD, but can also be triggered through stress, low self esteem, unwanted attention, and other problems in their life.

Eating disorders change the person’s natural views towards food, and creates a conflict with it, full of strict routines and guidelines. Not only does it affect their body, but it attacks their mind and they can become mentally ill as well as physically.

It is common for teenagers to skip meals because they don’t have time, or just think they don’t need it or aren’t hungry. However, many people of all ages, (mainly teens and younger) believe that their bodies aren’t suitable or are not their idea of perfection. Perfection nowadays can be portrayed as celebrities, cosmetic surgery, bones, or a larger weight. It kills the person inside, to know that they are not who they want to be, they’re not comfortable in their own skin. Eating disorder victims normally have a lot of hatred towards themselves, which can result in things like self harming, because they don’t feel like they’re good enough or live up to nowadays culture’s standards. This is sad, as a youngster and through your parents and some religious beliefs, you are taught to love yourself, and love what you have. But when children and some adults don’t love themselves and don’t respect what they have been given, it becomes a severe issue and a number of problems bounce off of this and create more issues for the individual.

Victims go beyond picking out flaws and imperfections, they dig deeper and hurt themselves (not always through self harm), they judge themselves and hate themselves even more if they eat too much, eat too less, don’t eat at all, purge.

A way to deal with someone with an eating disorder is not to say “just eat, it’s fine”, or “Stop eating so much you look fine”. You can’t just tell someone to fix their problem, a lot of emotional baggage comes with getting yourself together and sorting yourself out, it takes time, willpower, and a lot of self belief. A victim should have someone to fall back on and someone there to help them if they fall. A victim should have support and someone who understands and listens. A victim is weak, their own mind has destroyed them. The power of the mind is massive, treat it correctly. No one can get through anything 100% on their own. If they did, they would  be trusting the mind that killed them.

Support:

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Eating-disorders/Pages/Introduction.aspx

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/

http://www.eatingdisorderssupport.co.uk/

http://www.camh.org.uk/

Get help if you need it.

Charlotte xxx